Long Way Back

Well it has been a LONG time since I have written anything for this blog. Life got crazy. I stopped blogging, working out, doing anything creative… I really just existed. I can’t say it was for a good reason, either, because a lot of it had to do with my job. Not saying I don’t appreciate my job but I have learned the hard way it isn’t worth killing myself over. And killing myself is kind of what it has felt like. I have gained 50 pounds and have had some chest pain. I feel exhausted all the time and no wonder with so much excess weight. My body doesn’t feel like my own. Everything is hard. Maybe some of my issues are self inflicted. I did this to myself.
The saddest thing is one of the dearest people I know and love, my boss, the main reason why I worked so long and hard, had to take medical leave and is so sick she won’t be coming back. In fact, she could be gone from this earth anytime. She has MS and just seemed to work herself out. Those that were closest could see something was going on. But still she worked and worked and kept our team going. We just didn’t know how bad it had become because she didn’t want us to know and worry. Day by day, my dear friend, has been able to do less and less and is fading away. It breaks my heart. 
With all this happening you would think I would have see and faced my own problem. I knew, I just didn’t do anything. I had no drive to do anything creative… Really, anything. My life, my house, my body is all a mess. I have kind of felt like I did this to myself so it is what I deserve. This thinking doesn’t help. I have figured that out. Yes, I did this to myself but I can move forward, even if just a tiny bit at a time. In the last two weeks I have very gradually been working on some very small steps to work my way out of this MESS.
My new focus is tarot. Please bear with me because I understand that there are a lot of people that are going to wig out over “tarot”. As an artist, I love pictures. As someone who has worked themselves into a rut and depression I needed a different way of seeing the world. The way I use tarot cards is as a lens. A different way of seeing. By pulling a card that is just a piece of paper, finding one image or symbol on the card’s artwork (or maybe more) I have a way of looking at my life in a different way. Or maybe think of different ways of being that may be helpful. I hope this topic doesn’t drive you away or label me in a negative way. These cards have actually helped me find my way back to being, at least a little, creative. 
I actually am using the cards as more of a creative meditation. I pull a card, do a quick sketch, then think about what it’s symbol/s could mean to me as I color it in. The first card I pulled was the Knight of Cups from the Rider Waite Smith deck (the deck most people recognize). What could a Knight in armour on his trusty steed holding a large golden cup (huh?) possibly mean to me, my life and my issues? Good question.

As I was picking out images to draw in my journal I picked out the knight on his horse, the mountains, the river and the cup. Although the Knight is the focal images the mountains drew my attention first. These mountains were barren and craggy – kinda how I feel about life right now. 

As I color the roughly sketched image I think about them. What they might mean to me. The river, water, usually stands for emotions. The Knight has stopped by the river and is just staying put holding that big golden cup of his. When I think about these images and how they might help me see things differently, the word Pause comes to mind. Pausing, being with my emotions (the water in the cup), facing them could be something that might help. Yes, I have a river of emotions from the difficult times (mountains) I have experienced. So, I need to stop ignoring them and going full speed ahead with work until I am exhausted and take a break and be. Be with my feelings and everything that is.

 

When I was done, I had to smile. I had done my first creative thing in ages. I felt peaceful. I felt like I needed to start doing small things to make my life better. I decided a quiet pause, a mindfulness practice would be something to incorporate into my life – which for now will be my tarot drawings/journaling (and if it turns into creative journaling/art that would be great but it is not a goal). I will walk a bit or do some bit of exercise everyday. I will make one (or more but one will be okay) better choice in my eating. That is all. I know better than to go overboard like usual and have a list of all sorts of helpful things to add/change in my life. Gone down that route so many times. I get rebellious (resistant) and all my work goes to waste. Pause. I need to continue to take pauses. I need to let the rushing and craziness of the past months ebb away. It is time for me to slow down. See. Feel.

Right now Iam calm and happy. That is what I can only wish for for myself and for you in any creative endeavor (or any endeavor) you choose to pursue. Have a wonderful day. So glad to be back!

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